Hump Day Grab Bag: San Francisco Edition

July 7, 2010

by Tommy & Wilkes


[editors note: this was actually written during a brief Birdsong HQ hiatus last week.  But now we’re back in the sweltering city because who wants to miss a good heatwave?]

Teebs & I are in San Francisco and now that I’m 3000 miles away allow me to say: fuck you New York.  Fuck you in your fucking oily ear, you squalid hellhole.

Have you ever been really into a dude only because he makes you feel like you have to prove yourself to him?   Yeah doi you have, we’re all totally messed up.  So you understand the kind of relationship I have with New York, as invigorating and seductive as the guy who your friends are all, “woof, stay away from him” about.

New York is unstable and likes to make  you feel bad about yourself because he knows it’ll make you love him more.  It took fifteen years of that city acting like a dick to me before I finally figured out that shit isn’t love.

San Francisco, on the other hand, is nice.  He opens doors and pulls out chairs.  San Francisco remembers what you say because he was actually listening when you were talking, not just waiting for you to be done so he could talk.  The only reason I don’t live here is because I think I’d be bored, but you know what?  Maybe boring isn’t so bad.

That said, the theme for this week’s Grab Bag is THE CITY BY THE BAY, Y’ALL.

u wanna see a dead body?

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RIP Corey Haim Hump Day Grab Bag

March 10, 2010

By Tatyana

It’s strange. I recently made an off-handed comment about how the music industry has lost more greats than the motion picture industry, and then snarkily suggested that the motion picture industry kill off some of their greats. Then lo and behold, 2 days later Corey Haim bites the dust. First of all, I’m not necessarily saying Corey Haim is a great. He is an… all right? (RIP Corey Haim). Second of all, this is not the first time that I’ve accidentally willed a celebrity to die. I have been known to randomly mention actors the day before they keel. This guy knows what I’m talking about.

The response on the internet is, as usual, incredibly profound.

I would be lying if I said I knew much about Corey Haim. My childhood was devoid of the pop culture that informs most of the party jokes of my peers, as I was only allowed to watch a handful of movies–usually based on books featuring scrappy, but well-mannered Victorian girls– or retrospectively terrifying PBS shows.


Sometimes, if I was lucky, my grandma would encourage me to write letters to Barbara Bush about how much I loved to read.

Something else Barbara Bush and I have in common.

It was only recently that I even watched the Lost Boys for the first time!

Obviously, it’s always very sad for anyone who loses a Corey too soon, and RIP Corey Haim. But this whole thing really got me thinking about the teen pop culture of the generation just before ours, or maybe that of our older brothers or sisters, and how now all of those celebrities are old. Remember the John Hughes tribute at the Oscars? Maybe you didn’t catch it because the Botoxed skin of the Brat Pack was reflecting the diamond broadcasts a little too brightly. How terrifying was that? Anyway, that was a bit of a nail in the coffin for the genre of sentimental 1980s movies. Sorry about your feelings, Ally Sheedy. Sorry about your face, Molly Ringwald.

So RIP Corey Haim, and RIP all of us eventually. Nobody’s forever young. Except of course for these guys.

Two Girls, One Twilight. Cont’d.

August 11, 2009

By Michelle and Tatyana and StephEnie Meyer

seriously this is the whole movie. them staring at each other and not kissing.

This is part two of our Twilight talk. I don’t think we covered anything new, but hey whats birdsong without 16 yr old boner jokes? Exactly. We last left off with me wondering why vampires are always so rich. And Tatyana wondering why they always wear blouses.  It’s cuz they’re Italian, doi.

Tatyana: DUDE, the Cullens’ richness is explained in the first book which you did not read (ahem, poser, ahem). Yes, it does have to do with Alice’s abilities to predict the stock market. How fucking boring is that?! I can’t help but picture a vampire on the floor of the NYSE all “Buy! Sell! Buy!” and like fumbling around with her Blackberry cause she doesn’t know how to use it cause she was born in, oh I don’t know, 1807. Seriously my boss who was born in the 1950s still can’t figure out how to load a stapler.

Anywayyyy, I agree with you 100 percent about these dullards who call themselves vampires in the Twilight SAGA. Is that what they think a teen girl’s deepest fantasies look like? Dude, gimme the True Blood vampire ANY DAY. He’s so… TROUBLED.

Michelle: Ugh. I’m so busted. Ok fine, I didn’t read the first book, I bought the second one while drunk! But I did watch the movie. And if New Moon was any indication of whats to be expected in Twilight then I dodged a fucking sad face teen sob god this girl can mope for like 27 chapters bullet. So good to know I was right about that stock market thing.  I can only imagine Carlisle at home in his jammies on E*Trade tho. “Esme, honey, do you want stock in Goldman Sachs or not?!”

Also anyone watch the teen choice awards last night?! Ladies? (My roommate had it on, I swear. I only caught glimpses while walking to the kitchen for my second Coors) First of all, who are all these asshole 12 yr old LA kids dressed up like adults? Second of all, when will Miley get a DUI already? Thirdly, holy god Jacob Black Lautner Taylor Thomas, fuck me in the eyeballs. Yr vest was sooooo tight fitting over yr werewolf muscles.

All this vampire talk Tya, I kinda feel like two teenage Corey’s in that movie you haven’t seen yet.  How many Lost Boys references can I make before the world implodes? Lets go for gold.

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Two Girls, One Twilight

August 10, 2009

By Tatyana and Michelle


I used to think Michelle was hands down the coolest person alive. But then one drunken night she watched the Twilight movie and proceeded to get sucked into the series. Like, I still thought she was cool, but I don’t know maybe just a little lonely or something? Then my mom came and brought me all the Twilight books. Fifty pages into I was unconvinced, then suddenly, a switch was flipped. I began having dreams; I walked around in a perpetual Twilight haze. And suddenly, Michelle was back to being the coolest (mortal) person I knew again. So now our entire friendship is predicated on barely legal softcore vampire porn. Here is a sampling of our conversations.

Have I ever been this attracted to a man in lipstick before?

Have I ever been this attracted to a man in lipstick before?

Tatyana: Okay, so I read about 250 pages of New Moon yesterday and I’m getting kind of bored. Like, werewolves are great and everything but I want some sexy vampires stat. What is it about vampires? I never thought anything about them, and then Twilight inspired me to start watching True Blood and I swear to god I’m never gonna bone a mortal dude again. What’s wrong with me?!

Michelle: DUDE. Seriously! Speaking from the status of a Breaking Dawn (book 4) reader, I must say don’t worry baby! He’ll be back and you’ve got some 300-600 more pages of non-boning related reading to do. Also, Bella Swan – down to fuck, am i right? I think vampires have always been portrayed as sexy and seducing, because that’s how they attract their prey right? And by prey i mean my vagina. However, don’t get me wrong. The things I would let that werewolf do to me! So many howling jokes…

I mean is it just me or does this all seem to be playing out as the age old (read: racist) battle of stone cold Anglo who’s stoic and quiet vs. the tall ‘exotic’ hot-blooded short tempered dark boy? Oh Jacob Black yr so crazy. I wish i could tame yr Native American ways. Eugh, Stephenie Meyer, why?!?!

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San Diego Comic Con – Day 2

July 25, 2009

by Tommy


Thank you Faith for the photos. Today was fraught with several perils. First of all, I forgot my phone at home. Midway through my walk to the Con with Faith and Wilkes I realized this, but thought, “Fuck it, I’ve never lost a friend at Comic Con.” Oh, how wrong I was.

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Eye of the Majestic Creature

July 21, 2009

by Tommy

Ok so its no secret I really like that bar on Graham and Metropolitan called Mother’s, formerly Mighty Diamond (that vegan caribbean place), owned by the same people who run Daddy’s (clever, no?). Sometimes my internet goes out, and although Mother’s doesn’t have WiFi, I can usually pick up a signal. Plus it has good burgers, sweet potato fries (my favorite) and the people who work there are total babes. Babia majoras major babes.

Anyway the last time I was there I traded a couple issues of birdsong #7 for Leslie Anne Mackenzie Stein’s Eye of the Majestic Creature, and I was not disappointed. There are a couple mini stories (one is about tree sex and the other is about drunkenness and alternative 20something family structures) and one longer narrative. The comic itself is drawn very well, and is a total left-field-wtf-lol-rotf-gut-buster. Although sometimes strange and almost magical (the main character’s father is a hippo, for example), its strangeness doesn’t overshadow what is a essentially a homecoming narrative. Those of us who moved away from home, and especially from rural to larger metropolitan areas, can probably all identify in some way with the character. Friends are still talking about stuff that happened in high school like it was the glory days. People are going to the same bars, doing the same things, looking the same (or slowly deteriorating). And also, when yr out with friends and someone is being ridiculous, you either ignore them, tell them off, or you go the fuck back to your apartment where your rainbow sherbet push pops live. You don’t owe anybody a damn thing. But when you’re out with family, suddenly there’s more responsibility– you can’t ignore them, you can’t walk out, you can’t tell them off.

SO, there’s awkward family-drama-dinners, step-moms, ruminations on black-outs (the drunk kind), drinking on planes, high school journal searching, re-discovering long forgotten childhood traumas. This comic has it all. It has a special significance for me because I, too, am going home (tomorrow, for Comic Con motherfuckers!). Make sure Brooklyn gets enough food and water while I’m gone.

And check out Eye of the Majestic Creature and Leslie’s Myspace.

(ps I don’t know if she remembers this but Paps and I totally made that “if we’re still single when we’re forty…” pact on Friday night outside of Bushwick Beauty Bar)

Shorty got Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo (Ko)

June 9, 2009

By Michelle
Also, a contest!!!!!

srsly, we don't live here why? oh thats right, rampant racism and homophobia...

Alright kids, we all know that Sparks is now defunct. It no longer contains caffeine cuz some lady in the Midwest decided mixing alcohol and energy drink was dangerous. I think she confused the word ‘dangerous’ with ‘fucking genius.’ To quote the amazing Tommy Pico re: new un-caffeinated Sparks “You might as well be drinking Smirnoff Ice.” Ouch.

So on Friday night, when my after-work exhaustion started to kick in, my friend Diego and I decided to hit the bodega for some, dare I say it, Low. Sugar. Red… Bull. I know, I know. But I was tired and just wanted something, anything to ensure that I would not wake up on a strangers couch at 1am while everyone else was at a bar having the most amazing fun ever and likely popping bottles with Jay-Z. As we’re buying our Red Bull and Coors Light (Taste the Rockies motherfucker!) we came across these huge orange cans in the booze section. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I think it went something like this:
Me: Whoa, new Sparks?
Diego: Holy shit, let’s try it!
Me: I hope it makes me vom!
Diego: Let’s split one just in case. (Diego’s really smart.)

This is what we look like to other people.

My compatriot and I then embarked on an amazing journey with our newfound Four Loko (with a K people).  It’s 11% alcohol with Caffeine, Taurine, and Guarana all crammed in a fucking 24 oz. tall boy can! It’s like Sparks on steroids! It also kind of tastes like ass, but what delicious alcoholic beverage that makes you insane doesn’t? We wandered back to the party with our pride and joy and proceeded to chug it, pass it around, and pretty much vibe on all the shared psychotic disorder we were experiencing. “THIS IS AMAZING, THIS IS AMAZING” was all I had to say. 

May I now direct the reader’s attention to the Four website.  Prepare yourself for psychadelic colors, links to Myspace, Facebook, and Youtube (how relevant!) aaaaand girls holding watermelons over their naked boobs while referring to things as juicy and round…?  Ugh, nothing gold can stay.  Also, apparently this drink is huge among dudes who ride motocross, girls with bad hair and trucker hats, and epic date rape faced douchebags, but whatever. You can also submit photos of yrself and yr friends enjoying Four (while driving) and basically documenting the first half of the night, before you all end up on the fire escape putting the weed in the wrong end of the pipe and talking about what the offspring of a kitten and unicorn would look like (hint: adorable). I suggest you also check out last months “Photo of the Month.” Apparently that bro-down pic was ‘daring and titillating’ enough to win? Peshaw! I hereby challenge you all to make it into next months ‘Photo.’ A case of Four Loko waits for you in my closet (you have to share it with me)!

All in all, this shit is the jam. It gets you totally wasted and awake-crazed, but not all the bodegas carry it. We got it from the expensive place on Bedford and N 7th. Obvs we were in Williamsburg, maybe it wasn’t the Four making us dazed and wasted, maybe we were just drunk off our own hip-ness? Either way I give this a 4 outta 5 stars. Minus points for the sexist/douchey website that made me second guess my love for alcoholic energy drinks. Curses.