Hump Day Grab Bag

December 16, 2009

West Coasties (not really)

By Michelle

Hey Hey Hey
Its hump day grab bag ya’ll. It’s actually still Tuesday night where I am but whatever. East Coast Time, New York, feelings, etc. The theme of my grab bag is I can’t grow up considering all my items have to do with out-dated TV references, cats, and Twilight. In case any of you don’t know, I haven’t had cable or a decent internet connection for weeks and only recently acquired such. Is this what it felt like to discover fire? Amazement filled with shame and regret over wasted time and money? I apologize in advance if you’ve already totally discussed these topics with yr Brooklyn besties in a bar I’ll never go to that projectss blogs on the beer bellies of naked 35 yr old hipster/DJ/bloggers drinking PBR in lamé jumpsuits. JEALOUS. Seriously though, you’re the most missed New York.

So, let’s get down to the nitty gritty sadness of my existence. Oh it’s gritty down here. Watch out for that pile of grit.

I feel great about my life decisions now

As you all know, I’ve read all 4 Twilight books. I also saw New Moon the day it came out. I ALSO HAVE SAID OUT LOUD AND SOBER, THAT TAYLOR LAUTNER NEEDS TO GET IN MY BED WHERE HE BELONGS SO I CAN BREAK HIS FEET AND A EAT RAW FISH SOUP OFF HIS NAKED BODY FOREVER. I am not proud of myself. But sometimes you just gotta be a disturbing sad girl.

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Yuppie Rantz

September 22, 2009

by Michelle
WOOF. nice accessories douchebags.

I recently moved from the fine Williamsburg area into the almost fine, but yuppier Greenpoint/ Williamsburg area (the slash is crucial). To a deluxe condo in the sky. We got an elevator! I found this rant on my computer after a night of not sleeping. I blame the Pamprin and the bug bites that are SERIOUSLY RUINING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW GOD YOU FEEL SO GOOD TO SCRATCH.

So here you have it. Yuppie rants: Williamsburg edition.

So its past midnight and I can’t sleep. Wanna know why? Cuz some asshole in my neighborhood is blasting music. Reggaeton, you ask? I wish. Nickelback? I’d be dead by now. It’s Belle and fucking Sebastian!!! Seriously dude? I’m sure yr on the tail end of some totally amazing first date. Yea, two boxes of wine and a vat of home-made vegan curry later, you are totes gonna get to second base with that book store clerk/ grad student and the final straw to dry-hump-ville is some rare vinyl but like SERIOUSLY?! I have to be at a job I hate in like 5 hours. No amount of Hulu watching can muffle the sounds of indie rock and tofu farts. So, I’d like to dedicate this next entry to you, douchebag, who probably needs to gain like 40 lbs and whose track bike cost more than it does to build a school in a third world country.

You know you live in Williamsburg when:

1. You wake up on a Saturday afternoon to a gaggle of ray-ban wearing, fedora adorned, white kids taking a band photo in your fucking backyard. Quit the pouting assholes, you guys still look like the Strokes. Woof.

2. Yr recycle trash bag is filled with nothing but sparks (FOURLOKO) cans, bottles of the expensive beer, spaghetti jars, and prescription pill containers.
2.5. You actually have a recycle bin for yr building.

3. The door guy at Legion doesn’t need to check yr ID anymore (shudder).

the website i found this image on was some fat encourager blog. it was awesome.


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Two Girls, One Twilight. Cont’d.

August 11, 2009

By Michelle and Tatyana and StephEnie Meyer

seriously this is the whole movie. them staring at each other and not kissing.

This is part two of our Twilight talk. I don’t think we covered anything new, but hey whats birdsong without 16 yr old boner jokes? Exactly. We last left off with me wondering why vampires are always so rich. And Tatyana wondering why they always wear blouses.  It’s cuz they’re Italian, doi.

Tatyana: DUDE, the Cullens’ richness is explained in the first book which you did not read (ahem, poser, ahem). Yes, it does have to do with Alice’s abilities to predict the stock market. How fucking boring is that?! I can’t help but picture a vampire on the floor of the NYSE all “Buy! Sell! Buy!” and like fumbling around with her Blackberry cause she doesn’t know how to use it cause she was born in, oh I don’t know, 1807. Seriously my boss who was born in the 1950s still can’t figure out how to load a stapler.

Anywayyyy, I agree with you 100 percent about these dullards who call themselves vampires in the Twilight SAGA. Is that what they think a teen girl’s deepest fantasies look like? Dude, gimme the True Blood vampire ANY DAY. He’s so… TROUBLED.

Michelle: Ugh. I’m so busted. Ok fine, I didn’t read the first book, I bought the second one while drunk! But I did watch the movie. And if New Moon was any indication of whats to be expected in Twilight then I dodged a fucking sad face teen sob god this girl can mope for like 27 chapters bullet. So good to know I was right about that stock market thing.  I can only imagine Carlisle at home in his jammies on E*Trade tho. “Esme, honey, do you want stock in Goldman Sachs or not?!”

Also anyone watch the teen choice awards last night?! Ladies? (My roommate had it on, I swear. I only caught glimpses while walking to the kitchen for my second Coors) First of all, who are all these asshole 12 yr old LA kids dressed up like adults? Second of all, when will Miley get a DUI already? Thirdly, holy god Jacob Black Lautner Taylor Thomas, fuck me in the eyeballs. Yr vest was sooooo tight fitting over yr werewolf muscles.

All this vampire talk Tya, I kinda feel like two teenage Corey’s in that movie you haven’t seen yet.  How many Lost Boys references can I make before the world implodes? Lets go for gold.

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I Think I Just Plagiarized

July 14, 2009

Otherwise known as Shout-outs!!!

by Michelle.
my wife

I was lucky and surprisingly sober enough on a Saturday morning (2pm) to accompany Tommy Pico, Brandon B, Daniel Portland, and Lauren Wilkes to the NYC Zine fest a few weekends ago at the Brooklyn Lyceum (thanks Danny, what a weird word). Our table was mostly party-bus, dick joke, and beer themed. The plastic table cloth kept sticking to my sweaty cut-off laden legs. Never in my life had I seen so many un-ironic, ironic hipster babes before. Whatta meat-market. I’ve never been to a Zine fest and was pretty much confined to my seat the whole time, lest the entire place caught a glimpse of the huge DIY boner I was attempting to corral. So much beautiful art, and good vibes (kinda) and totally amazing DIY-ness going on!!!!!!!! Someone sew a patch on my hoodie right now!!!

Tommy and Brandon worked the crowd like the stone cold foxes they are and constantly came back to our table with more delicious beer and armfuls of zines for us to swoon over. One of my favorites, which Brandon has (shakes fist), is a small booklet of female erotica enclosed in a delicately sewn-tight floral fabric. Each comes with its own seam ripper! GAH HOW ADORABLE! To this day I still have like 15 unopened zines sitting on my desk. I look at them every night and still can’t bring myself to embark on all the photocopied porny goodness, afraid I may never leave my room again. I did however hang my Straight to Hell calendar above my bed right when I got home. Be warned dudes who come over. I’m a lazy bottom and if the light is right you gotta stare at huge celestial boners the whole time. Btw’s, I’m a Scorpio, wink.

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Dear Michelle: Texts From Last Night Edition

June 30, 2009

aka, me yelling at the internet.

By Michelle.

tacos from last night

So, sometimes when I read this site, I wanna text these people back.  Here is my fake chance.

(269): Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I do not have a problem with this method at all.  It’s a great way to decide if you can legitimately bone someone.  But beware, because the girl you jerk off to in yr mind may not be the girl you jerk off in IRL.  This has happened to me before.  In my silly romance novel fantasy I get a totally capable brutish babe, and on Friday night I get whiskey dick and missing metrocards. 

(631): Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy’s?
Not sad for you, but ‘sad’ for the obesity epidemic that plagues the nation. I hope you die soon so I don’t have to support yr diabetic medical bill with my national socialist health plan.  It’s also sad that I’m so fucking jealous that you get to go to Wendy’s on the regular. 

(703): If a guy called my cleavage “mesmerizing” but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Define kinda. Like this guy is ‘kinda’ my dad since he married my mom and fathered my younger sister? Or this dude is ‘kinda’ my cousin (by marriage!!) but I’m gonna give him an h-jay anyway? Enter at yr own risk lady friend.  I say if there is a chance you’ll see him at a family reunion, or all of them, stay away.

sex ed

(509): I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
Genius, I wish I had thought of this!! So many nights I’m trying to get ready in a jiffy and I don’t even think that I can kill too birds with one stone and be sexy smooth and sexy cleaned out all in time to hit the bar for jagerbombs on an empty stomach. This is like the new drinking a beer in the shower. Kudos to you party girl.

(216): make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I had a boyfriend who was into this (hey there dude, nothing is sacred) and it always made me giggle. I laugh enough in bed as it is, I can’t be asked to also do something with my bacteria coated ‘sandals on the New York subway’ feet without picturing that episode of Cathouse and fucking losing it. But good luck to you dude, I hope you find a girl who’s totes into this and makes you happy.

(317): when I’m not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, I actually really enjoy being single
This isn’t a question, but I imagine the first text to be “I wanna break up with my boyfriend, but I don’t wanna be alone.” And it’s true, being single rules sometimes. Not included in those times is getting home at 4am, eating a plate of spaghetti in yr bed while watching Hulu, wondering where your youth went, and contemplating calling yr ex even though you fucking hate him but he looks good on paper. I’m not there yet, I’m not there yet…

(+44): why do I have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How psychic smart of you to drunkenly save someone in yr phone as the nickname you would’ve given them after your future first date!

(859): Just passed a sign for an “adult food and fuel superstore”. WTF does that even mean?
There’s a place like this off the highway in between Orlando and Gainesville, Florida. It’s called Café Risqué. It’s basically a truck stop with showers, topless dancers, and viewing booths. I mean if you’ve been stuck in a truck cab all day cracked out on speed, wouldn’t it be a fucking beautiful oasis to have a place to get gas, eat food, take a shit, have a shower, and see some titties? These places are fucking genius, god bless America.

They do.

Shorty got Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo (Ko)

June 9, 2009

By Michelle
Also, a contest!!!!!

srsly, we don't live here why? oh thats right, rampant racism and homophobia...

Alright kids, we all know that Sparks is now defunct. It no longer contains caffeine cuz some lady in the Midwest decided mixing alcohol and energy drink was dangerous. I think she confused the word ‘dangerous’ with ‘fucking genius.’ To quote the amazing Tommy Pico re: new un-caffeinated Sparks “You might as well be drinking Smirnoff Ice.” Ouch.

So on Friday night, when my after-work exhaustion started to kick in, my friend Diego and I decided to hit the bodega for some, dare I say it, Low. Sugar. Red… Bull. I know, I know. But I was tired and just wanted something, anything to ensure that I would not wake up on a strangers couch at 1am while everyone else was at a bar having the most amazing fun ever and likely popping bottles with Jay-Z. As we’re buying our Red Bull and Coors Light (Taste the Rockies motherfucker!) we came across these huge orange cans in the booze section. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I think it went something like this:
Me: Whoa, new Sparks?
Diego: Holy shit, let’s try it!
Me: I hope it makes me vom!
Diego: Let’s split one just in case. (Diego’s really smart.)

This is what we look like to other people.

My compatriot and I then embarked on an amazing journey with our newfound Four Loko (with a K people).  It’s 11% alcohol with Caffeine, Taurine, and Guarana all crammed in a fucking 24 oz. tall boy can! It’s like Sparks on steroids! It also kind of tastes like ass, but what delicious alcoholic beverage that makes you insane doesn’t? We wandered back to the party with our pride and joy and proceeded to chug it, pass it around, and pretty much vibe on all the shared psychotic disorder we were experiencing. “THIS IS AMAZING, THIS IS AMAZING” was all I had to say. 

May I now direct the reader’s attention to the Four website.  Prepare yourself for psychadelic colors, links to Myspace, Facebook, and Youtube (how relevant!) aaaaand girls holding watermelons over their naked boobs while referring to things as juicy and round…?  Ugh, nothing gold can stay.  Also, apparently this drink is huge among dudes who ride motocross, girls with bad hair and trucker hats, and epic date rape faced douchebags, but whatever. You can also submit photos of yrself and yr friends enjoying Four (while driving) and basically documenting the first half of the night, before you all end up on the fire escape putting the weed in the wrong end of the pipe and talking about what the offspring of a kitten and unicorn would look like (hint: adorable). I suggest you also check out last months “Photo of the Month.” Apparently that bro-down pic was ‘daring and titillating’ enough to win? Peshaw! I hereby challenge you all to make it into next months ‘Photo.’ A case of Four Loko waits for you in my closet (you have to share it with me)!

All in all, this shit is the jam. It gets you totally wasted and awake-crazed, but not all the bodegas carry it. We got it from the expensive place on Bedford and N 7th. Obvs we were in Williamsburg, maybe it wasn’t the Four making us dazed and wasted, maybe we were just drunk off our own hip-ness? Either way I give this a 4 outta 5 stars. Minus points for the sexist/douchey website that made me second guess my love for alcoholic energy drinks. Curses.

Dear Michelle: Sister Edition

June 2, 2009

By michelle & sommer russell

its like us, but not

me: what should i post about on birdsong today?

sommer: i thought you did a dear michelle?

me: thats going in the zine

sommer: oh i thought it was going to be weekly

me: maybe, but i dont have any new questions

sommer: dear michelle, why am i a drunk only when my friends are around?

me: cuz it makes you social
and being drunk alone makes you an alcoholic

sommer: thanks

me: yr welcome
were you being sarcastic with yr thanks?

me: cuz i thought that was a good answer

sommer: no not sarcastic

me: haha ok good
ill just post this gchat

sommer: lol perfect

me: thanks for yr help.