Hump Day Grab Bag: Fucking fuck yeah fucking World fucking Cup yeaaaahhhhh!

By Tatyana


WHY CAN'T THIS BE EVERY DAY?!?

Wow, I am so freaking excited about the World Cup. Seriously, I have two things on my mind right now, and those two things are soccer players’ thighs.

One thing that I dislike about America (besides our reputation for being a nation unable to stop large-scale environmental disasters that we, in effect, have caused) is the fact that soccer is but marginalia in our sports encyclopedia. American club teams are treated like annoying little brothers. The New York Red Bulls? As in they give you wings? Un. Real.

PHEWWWW, sorry to start off on the cranky foot here (total soccer talk). I need to take a deep breath and watch some YouTube montages of Kaká scoring goals juxtaposed with photos of him in a banana hammock for no real reason at all.


Finally a pertinent headline, amNY!

Soccer is such a pleasing sport on so many levels. Aesthetically, for one, ya doi. And I mean, this goes beyond the fact that soccer players are major hummina hummina babes. These amazing World Cup posters know what I’m talking about.

But far from being just a beautiful forum for beautiful men to wrap their beautifully toned, sweaty arms around each other, soccer is also narratively engaging. In no other sport, nor tournament–sorry Olympics– are the malignancies of globalism so exposed on a world stage. Soccer explains everything!

Like for instance, did you know that Shakira was chosen to record the 2010 World Cup’s official song? You totally didn’t. I’m not even sure that Shakira knew. “Are you sure?” –Shakira. There was apparently a big controversy about the fact that a South African artist was not chosen to record the song, but I’m sure that has nothing to do with the cultural hegemony of a country that only cares about soccer once every four years, when it’s commercially viable. Nope, definitely not that. I’m guessing that there are actually no musicians or recording artists in South Africa or of South African descent. It’s basically Footloose over there, I’m like totally sure.

Cool video. Cool artistic mud smeared for no other reason than to subtly simulate blackface. Waka waka, indeed.

"She-Wolf reminds me of our decades long struggle to fight against the institional oppression of apartheid." -Nelson Mandela, probably

Also, I really like how the end kind of references this cool and relevant and totally not fucked up at all advertisement.

Now that’s what I call a World Cup song! Apparently, the working title for this was “E for England,” but alas, these were the salad days of the rave scene, and there was already enough E for England going around, if you nahmsayin.

Meanwhile,

It is indescribably sad that America’s main contribution to the sport of soccer is a mildly offensive children’s movie starring Rodney Dangerfield.

Sigh. Remember the 2006 World Cup finals?…

On the one hand, it was completely sad to see Zinadine Zidane end his soccer career with a red card, effectively destroying France’s chance of defeating the notoriously whiny, dive-taking babies that made up the Italian team (see what I was saying about narratives!?). But, on the other hand, COME ON THAT JERK WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT!

So, people who actually know a lot about the sport of soccer, and not just its geopolitical implications or the thigh girth of the leading players, are predicting this World Cup will be dominated by Spain, Portugal and Brasil (uh ya no duh). But, till they’re eliminated, I’ve got Mexico, South Africa and Algeria on my mind. Anyway, who wants to grab a quick pre-work beer with me on Friday to catch the opening game? Cool, I’ll see you at Nevada Smith’s at 7 AM. That’s officially too early to get date raped, right?

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4 Responses to Hump Day Grab Bag: Fucking fuck yeah fucking World fucking Cup yeaaaahhhhh!

  1. davidk says:

    I’m no sportman but real football is exciting in a way the American aberration can never be. And hey! can you think of a book about American footy fans that’s as good as Among The Thugs?

  2. Lauren says:

    all i want from life is thierry henry in my bed being all muscley & french & hilarious.

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  4. I do trust all of the ideas you’ve introduced on your post. They are very convincing and will definitely work. Nonetheless, the posts are very brief for newbies. May just you please prolong them a little from next time? Thanks for the post.

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