Putting the “Hump” in Hump Day

by Wilkes

Lately, I’ve been trapped in two very different feedback cycles: I can’t stop thinking about either Racism or Getting Laid.  Everything that rises must converge y’all: I’m probably going to end up hate-fucking a white guy TO DEATH.

That said, the theme of this week’s Grab Bag is: Freudian Crushes.

I dig all types but I especially dig tall, skinny, dark-haired dudes with BIG (HUGE) POINTY NOSES cause that’s what my first love looked like.  Our relationship was a trainwreck so now (even though I’m not attracted to my ex anymore cause #woofinabadway) I still find this kind of dude pretty irresistible.

Perhaps by analyzing my attraction to this type I’ll be able to exorcise its influence on my—SIKE LET’S JUST LOOK AT PICTURE OF SKINNY BABES WITH GREAT SCHNOZES.

Yow.  Adrien Brody is one of Hollywood’s biggest depositors into the 1st National Wilkinson Spank Bank.  Ha, ha I am so gross.  If I was a straight guy writing that kind of thing about women a) I’d have the highest viewed page on AskMen.com &  b) I’d really hate me.

Thank God for double standards.

Let’s zoom on what’s key here shall we?

Adrien Brody is a babe because he looks like he has a huge dick coming out of the middle face.  Simple as that. Does he come off like a fool in a lot of interviews?  Oh yeah.  Has he made some god awful movies? You bet.  Is he a mouth-rapist responsible for one of the most celebrated acts of objectification in the history of the Oscars?  Uh-huh, sure.  But that nose man, it’s calling to me.  I can’t resist its siren song.


Adrien Brody’s babeness is only surpassed by Waris Ahluwalia’s because HOL-EE SHIT CAN THAT DUDE DRESS:

Once again, NOTE THE NOSE, Y’ALL.  A couple of summers ago, when Tommy & I were spending lots of time in a West Village coffee shop I saw him in the neighborhood about a dozen times.  That was the summer I came up with the slogan, “if biting a stranger is wrong I don’t want to be right.” #justme?

The Darjeeling Limited was the biggest disappointment in America: a potential perfect storm of babitude ruined by weird racial vibes & lackluster storytelling.

So yeah, dick-nose.  I can get away with calling it that right?  DN is what accounts for my raging Francoboner.  Based on extensive research, I’ve concluded that Paris maintains the highest incidence of DN per capita: francophone babes #woofinagoodway.

Abdellah Taia is probably the only one on this list that I’d actually be able to tolerate IRL.  He’s kind of had to deal with a lot of shit, so I’d feel bad about objectifying him–I’ll just say YUM! and leave at that.

Louis Garrel, man, Louis Garrel.  His nose doesn’t look that pointy here but trust me, what it lacks in length it more than makes up for in girth.  I have our lovely & brilliant Danny Portland to thank for my recent Garel-issance: I thought he was a babe when I first saw  The Dreamers but was distracted from e-following up by the heavy testosterone-trip Bertolucci was trying to lay on me with that movie.

But man.  MAN.  “I died in a Louis Garrel google-hole” –My Tombstone

And finally, as a video bonus, please enjoy Phoenix’s If I Ever Feel Better (click on the picture below).  Do I understand what this video is about, other than motorcycle racing? No.  Now take a look at this screen shot of the video’s main character and ask me if I care.


4 Responses to Putting the “Hump” in Hump Day

  1. Tatyana says:

    DN official convert. Thanks for that, Lauren.

  2. chantal says:

    OMG I saw this raunchy, really cute jewish comic who talked about his big nose and how all he wants is a girl who will fuck his nose like, he just wants a girl to sit on it. Clearly this man is your soulmate.

  3. Lauren W. says:

    HAHA CHANTAL CLEARLY!!! He & I could share some beautiful, freaky-ass love. Who is this guy??

  4. chantal says:

    Gah i dont remember, and googling ‘jewish williamsburg comic’ isn’t helping at all. I’ll find him though; expect a late-night email from me with 10 hyperlinks.

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