Humpty Hump Day: Sex in Ads

by Wilkes

REGGIE BUSH HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA ZOWIE TELL ME MORE

Yr damn right sex sells. For example: ABS

Wasn't aware penis cozies were real until I started this post

PLUS THIS THING

EQUALS I WILL TAKE 3!!!

The thing about sex in advertising is that I like it uncomplicated and delicious like an all-beef, ballpark frank with a slice of warm cherry pie on the side.

But there are a ton of ads that don’t do that and instead use sex in a creepy way.  My theme for this week, then, is Sex/Sux in Advertising.

Exhibit A:

YIKES

YIKES AGAIN

Here is the thing about implied gang rape: it very rarely makes me want to buy overpriced sunglasses.

Exhibit B:

This is part of an Orangina ad campaign that Tommy and I saw in Paris last winter, when we were there immersing ourselves in French culture.  He shouted ZUT ALORS and my beret flew off my head from sheer excitement*.

No, it’s not rapey like the D&G ads but feast your eyes on that octopus.  Really, just look at that fucking nightmare and ask yourself about the sick brain that had some weird formative sexual experience down at the aquarium and is now taking his anger out on the rest of us.

And I would’ve been SO HAPPY to get through my whole life without ever thinking, “oh boy, I’d like to scrub my delicates on those washboard abs,” about a cartoon bear.  You took that from me Orangina, so fuck you and the apple-bottomed bottle you rode in on, because it’s weird to eroticize animals.

This little filly agrees with me:

Yoo hoo! Tee hee hee! (shoot me)

Exhibit C:

This could only be better if you were a pink octopus in heels

I could write a thesis about how sexist this is, if only I weren’t a woman and only good for one thing.  Well two, ’cause I guess I could also clean the car.

Also, isn’t it that men get BMWs so they can have sex with women, not that they get women so they can have sex with BMWs?  What’s going on here??  See, this is precisely why I don’t go outside anymore.

And yes, it’s just as misogynistic  the other way around.

What I'm enjoying most about this intercourse is the thought of all the things you'll buy me later

Exhibit D:

This ran in an issue of Sports Illustrated and I have to say that as creepy as it is, I can cosign eroticizing food (cut to me alone in bed with a Hershey’s bar, stroking its foil and whispering I love you).

I also really like this ad  because I’m convinced the green M&M is a drag queen (check the white go-go boots & the brows) but that’s really a story for another post.

Anyway, take it away Humpty Hump:

*You might think cartoonish French stereotypes are wrong but I find them funny and I’m not sorry about it.

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9 Responses to Humpty Hump Day: Sex in Ads

  1. Chantal says:

    I loved every second of this.

  2. Tommy says:

    Dare I ask what you googled to come up with that horse schoolgirl?

  3. tatyana says:

    zut alors! is that filly also underage? regardless, her horseshoe tattoo is pure sex.

    i love this lauren, btw. you, sex with cars and ripped cartoon bears will be in my nightmares always.

  4. Lauren says:

    Tommy, sadly I googled “sexy animals,” which means I’m on a government watch list now.

    http://www.likecool.com/The_Sexy_Animals–Pic–Gear.html

    Which one is the most horrifying? It’s really a tough call.

    Haha Tya I couldn’t have asked for a better legacy.

  5. Tom Sawyer says:

    lewd

  6. Shannon says:

    brilliant. thanks for making me 🙂

  7. milan says:

    lauren, i love you.

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