I Want You, Therefore I Hump You: Hump Day Grab Bag- aka I love the BACHELOR or why I hate long dresses

By Laurenesss
(or The Goat, or Who is Syvia?)

Yesterday, my favorite reality tv show The Bachelor made its long awaited return (it has been 3 months since the last season ended). This train wreck of a show has everything that I need and more.


Polyamory is for everyone!


This chick (Shane Lamas, daughter of actor Lorenzo Lamas) was supposed to get married. Yeah, it didn’t last. She's most recently been arrested on DUI charges. Click on the pic to read more.


Kinda looks like a Grace Coddington original...NOT!

I mean, who wouldn’t want to be stuck in a house with 20 batshit crazy women competing for the same man, having given up on “traditional” ways of finding love. Now they want to get “serious” by going on national television to find their true love because they don’t want the bachelor to get spurned (the actual Bachelor tends to be a former suitor from the prior season of The Bachelorette. The diatribe is always the same, “I mean, that bachelorette did him in last season. He just needs to meet me and it will all make sense. I can tell by his picture that we are soul mates, I’m going to share his spit with a million other women and then I’m going to be his wife and escape from my[nanny-ing, spokesmodeling, NBA Dancing, hairdressing job in small town Oklahoma] life.

I guarantee that if you watch it you’ll clearly identify it as the inspiration for another beerless flogger favorite, Rock of Love, except with this one the crazy doesn’t always come out until 2nd, 3rd, or 4th episode. This year, something tells me that there’s going to be a little muff diving within the bachelorette pad (bachelor excluded if you know what I mean). Also, this year’s slogan is “On the Wings of Love” since the bachelor is a pilot. I should also mention that he is probably shorter than Tom Cruise and gets his inspiration for hair ‘dos from Vince Vaughn and the bro patrol. All I’m saying is that you will definitely thank me for bringing this show into your life. If you weren’t convinced yet, tell me how you feel about this potent quotable from the 1st episode:

” I’ll let you land your plane on my landing strip.”

However, the true star of the show was this “Plan B” commercial. Apparently it’s been out for awhile, but I hadn’t seen it until tonight. This is a perfect example of marketing genius…if your target audience is former sluts who proclaim “25 is the year I have get married” while shaking their crotches in front of this dude they may or may not have had a conversation with after meeting him less than an hour ago, and were virgins until they got married…the first time.

So, speaking of meat markets, if you’re bored at work, please try your hand at this lovely game: is it a Steakhouse or a Gay bar?

This post is dedicated to Ke$ha! Because any girl who brushes her teeth with Jack Daniel’s is worthy of being the next bachelorette!


3 Responses to I Want You, Therefore I Hump You: Hump Day Grab Bag- aka I love the BACHELOR or why I hate long dresses

  1. Chantal says:

    please count all the aviational puns this season and tell em to me as they roll in.

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