Hump Day Grab Bag

West Coasties (not really)

By Michelle

Hey Hey Hey
Its hump day grab bag ya’ll. It’s actually still Tuesday night where I am but whatever. East Coast Time, New York, feelings, etc. The theme of my grab bag is I can’t grow up considering all my items have to do with out-dated TV references, cats, and Twilight. In case any of you don’t know, I haven’t had cable or a decent internet connection for weeks and only recently acquired such. Is this what it felt like to discover fire? Amazement filled with shame and regret over wasted time and money? I apologize in advance if you’ve already totally discussed these topics with yr Brooklyn besties in a bar I’ll never go to that projectss blogs on the beer bellies of naked 35 yr old hipster/DJ/bloggers drinking PBR in lamé jumpsuits. JEALOUS. Seriously though, you’re the most missed New York.

So, let’s get down to the nitty gritty sadness of my existence. Oh it’s gritty down here. Watch out for that pile of grit.

I feel great about my life decisions now

As you all know, I’ve read all 4 Twilight books. I also saw New Moon the day it came out. I ALSO HAVE SAID OUT LOUD AND SOBER, THAT TAYLOR LAUTNER NEEDS TO GET IN MY BED WHERE HE BELONGS SO I CAN BREAK HIS FEET AND A EAT RAW FISH SOUP OFF HIS NAKED BODY FOREVER. I am not proud of myself. But sometimes you just gotta be a disturbing sad girl.

So this Saturday night I was fighting off epic food/alcohol/getting used to Pacific Time sleepies on someone else’s couch (failing miserably), and the new Saturday Night Live came on TV with Taylor Lautner hosting. As I said I’ve kinda been in a pop culture depravation chamber lately so I was totally not expecting him to come on TV, and I was totally not prepared to play it cool.  Ladies and gentleman, I squealed like a fucking 12 yr old girl. I SQUEALED.  In a strangers house!! “Oh hi, I’m Michelle. This is the first time we’ve met and you’re way cooler and prettier than me and have this radical totally beautiful kitschy house in San Diego and the only time I even crack my eyes open on your adorable vintage couch is to clench up my kegals and SQUEEE at the top of my lungs to Taylor Lautner on your television.” Someone kill me please right now. Anyway here’s a pic of him cuz Nana doesn’t know how to use WordPress but you don’t want to watch the clip at work right now anyway, you’ve already seen it! Whatever I can’t hear you over these shame sweats.

Yea I laughed at him. And it felt good and right. Just like my attraction to a 17 yr old child with muscles.

Moving along.
I know most of you have or are about to get cats so I don’t feel too single white female about this one. There is this thing that someone gave my sister as a gift for her cats. Who does that?! Me when I grow up, that’s who! It’s called Frolicat. HAH. Its basically a mini bowling pin shaped thing that shoots a laser on to the ground for your cats to play with. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO HOLD IT. It’s a lazy cat laser people! How brilliant is that?? Cuz lord knows I love playing with my cats but I sure hate moving my arm around a little bit for a total of 10 minutes to do it. Heart disease am I right?? If I wanted exercise and loving companionship I would’ve gotten a dog. I prefer a pet that kind of hates me and will definitely eat my face when I die alone eating a hot dog, listening to My Chemical Romance, watching Drive Me Crazy, and wearing I ❤ The Situation underwear. The toy comes in a box that makes it look like a cheap sex toy and it sounds like the most jacked up vibrator ever. The cats are torn between chasing the laser and hiding from the robot bowling pin that is clearly here to eat their food, pick them up, and yell at them for getting on the counters. #catjokeshahaha ha hahah ha? )))):

Last but not least, when I got home last night I decided to check out this new thing we got called a TV with working cable and movie channels on it. I live 4 blocks from the beach but if Nana doesn’t get her TV time someone is going to have to listen to her attempt Tina Fey impersonations in line at CVS purchasing Mike’s Hard Lemonade and raw veal. Dudes and guidettes, did you watch Teen Wolf as much as me when you were younger? Or were your parents religious intellectuals who thought you’d better spend more time outside playing than inside watching a risqué movie about a teen werewolf that plays basketball and bones hot blondes? JOKES ON YOU ASSHOLES. God Michael J. Fox. Good decisions, all around. I hope you called your agent after this movie and were like Hey thanks for letting me give Michelle weird feelings about wolf suits that will later affect her views on juiced up 17 yr olds. HOLY SHIT I just realized I came full circle (that’s what she said, no she didn’t ): ) with this post. Wolves beget wolves literary majors! Wow. Shame cycle. Anyway, this movie was one of many weirdo 80s movies that made me into the psycho I am today. The part where the fat 30 yr old whos apparently still a high school student(?) has to get the Jell-o outta that girl’s shirt has haunted my dreams sexually for years.

The juicy starts around 6:35. Does anyone else have a serious boner for Stiles? Seriously, you quit being so relaxed about things and jazzed about red pants sir!

Awesome. Its all coming together. It feels good to get this out. I’m happy I didn’t spend that money on a therapist and decided to just get an iPhone instead. Phew. THANK YOU CABLE TV AND INTERNET!!@!@!@!@ For raising me into an adult with wolf issues.


3 Responses to Hump Day Grab Bag

  1. roy says:

    this is my new Christmas card.

  2. Tommy says:

    not to get all single orange tabby on you…

  3. Chantal says:

    FROLICAT and shame sweats…California is so lucky right now

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