Cream of the Creep: The Best of Craigslist

by Jess Paps


Random Girl that Peed While I was Showering: Thanks for not doing a 2 – m4w

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Date: 2009-04-05, 7:56PM EDT

Time: 9:30 Friday Morning
Me: Brown hair, blue eyes tall and athletic
You: Straight brown hair, green around the gills, pretty hot if you weren’t that hung over

I was taking my morning shower getting ready for work and I thought I heard the door creak open. I ignored it because I didn’t think anyone was home. A few seconds later I hear someone un-zip and pop a squat. I peaked around the shower curtain and caught you peeing in my bathroom. With no easy access to a towel and having only been up for 3 minutes I just pretended that you weren’t there much like you probably didn’t notice that the shower was on and running.

I heard my front door creak closed and wondered how you got in since it was locked… I had a few things meander through my mind so in case you were wondering here are my top 10:

1. Who the fuck are you?
2. How did you get into my apartment?
3. Thank you for not flushing
4. Thank you for not dropping a 2
5. Thank you for not stealing my mail or computer
6. Did you want to stay for breakfast?
7. Will you be dropping by again? I’ll make sure to leave the bathroom open from 9-10
8. Are you ok?
9. Did you realize there was someone in the bathroom?
10. Sorry it was such a mess, I’ve since cleaned it so the next time you drop by there is a fresh batch of potpourri.
Thanks for the story.

Oh, Narrows Animal Hospital Girl… – m4w – 27 (Bay Ridge)

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Date: 2009-04-03, 5:38PM EDT

You are the receptionist. A beautiful, petite, delicious Latina… Oh your tight, tiny little body (errr). Is it that cute stone on your nose? Is it your smooth dark skin? Is it the pin straight hair?

No, you have what every man wants – the body of a high school girl (!) and the maturity and experience of someone twice that age.

Does anyone know the girl to which I refer? Thoughts? By the way, not a stalker, just reflecting on a positive experience….


re:Your car almost hit me, then you yelled “If you were skinnier..”m4w – 24 (Greenpoint, Brooklyn)

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Date: 2009-04-07, 9:10PM EDT

well i can certainly handle and appreciate those curves. your beautiful. 😉

Under her gaze one felt a specific joy, a feeling of having been lost. – m4w

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Date: 2009-04-06, 9:12PM EDT

why don’t you check your messages, lasciviously?


wedgie at mercury lounge sunday – m4w – 23 (brooklyn)

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Date: 2009-04-06, 4:42PM EDT

you: cute pink fabric vacuum zipped inside your asshole
me: laughing my ass off on the sidelines at your expense

Is there room in that anus for me?


Sunday Sweats – m4w (Park Slope)

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Date: 2009-04-06, 2:40PM EDT

***So, i know that this message will attract a fair amount of hate, but I believe there is a higher cause at stake here. So please forgive me for being an uberdick, some things just need to be said.***

Dear girls of Park Slope,
I am a single heterosexual male in my mid-20s, and as the great gods of hormones taught me to, i check out girls. Single girls, married girls, pretty girls, not so pretty ones, crazy gals, timid girls, chicks with laptops, chicks with purse dogs, chicks with severe loudness issues, girls ordering black coffee and girls complaining that their big mocha latte with skim milk no foam and two shots of hazelnut is not hot enough. You name it.

Now, i might be a little picky. And I understand that it’s sunday afternoon, that you’ve had a long week and whatthefuckdoicare. However, please let me enlighten you with one terrible piece of truth: ***sweatpants are not attractive***. No matter how ‘juicy’ or ‘organic’ the lettering on your butt says. I would understand it from the mommy of two who is just trying to catch a break, but all of you moderately attractive single 20-somethings, what the fuck are you thinking? Has your organic-asparagus-worshiping friend at the Co-op told you that sweats are a sign of fertility and therefore attract the breeding-conscious park slope male? I would not bring this up if it wasn’t for the fact that yesterday, within one fucking afternoon (1pm-6pm), i counted no less than 19 girls wearing sweats. Yes, i fucking counted them. That figure does not include moms, anyone above 35, married women or chicks with boyfriends.

I am all for the relaxed vibe of the slope, but come on. You are pretty, even hot occasionally, but nothing spells boner-killer like sweatpants. Don’t even make me start to think about what sort of hideous underwear disaster lies beneath those layers of overstretched polyester. I am starting to think that it might be that all these girls have such a crazy sexual life that in the weekends they need to wear granny-approved saggy ass sweats to give their overstimulated orifices some breathing air.
Please somebody tell me it is so, please put my mind at ease.


Let’s kick back and smoke some killer buds – m4w – 34

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Date: 2009-04-06, 2:14AM EDT

It’s been a tough year so far and I am so stressed out. I’m so sick of hearing about the economy and who’s being laid off etc. I need some release! I would love for a hot girl to come over to my place (don’t worry, no room mates) and smoke with me. I have some killer buds! We can watch some TV and listen to some indie rock. If we hit it off hopefully we can get busy. I like a girl who likes to be dominated in bed. I like to spank girls and pull their hair, etc. I’m 6′ and thin with brown curly hair. I mostly wear hoodies and Vans but I sometimes wear suits for work. If you’re interested, write me back. Your pic gets mine.


strike while the iron’s hot – m4w (union)

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Date: 2009-04-06, 1:55AM EDT

chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bar

NOT ABOUT TO BE YOUR APRIL FOOL! – m4w – 65 (Flatiron)

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Date: 2009-04-01, 11:39AM EDT

After looking at your profile everyday for 6 months I finally saw you on the street and couldn’t believe how you misrepresented yourself.

First of all, you are not a Libra . That much is obvious. (!!!!)
Secondly, it’s not like you to wear a vest like that. I’d go so far as to call you a liar for wearing that thing.
Thirdly, after I told you how I felt about you you bolted off I think that was a tad hasty and on your profile you said with great huffing and puffing that “HASTE MAKES WASTE” and I yelled “Don’t be a waste” and you still ran.

Tiger Poetry- This poems 4 U – m4w – 24 (the d)

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Date: 2009-04-04, 8:20PM EDT

the tigers heart is the caw of the crow,
an angel sings the sad song of the misers despair,
the dream of the eagle brings us together
and lights the darkness of a demons coal heart,
until the rhythm of our pulsing hearts coincides with moon 5 of jupiter,
I will be waiting for you and moon 3 of saturn to come full and true into the sunset.

i just dont get it

Supercore bedford -m4w – 30 (Bedford ave)

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Date: 2009-04-04, 12:30PM EDT

You were sitting at the bar with your evolving group of friend fri Afternoon. I was with my girlfriend.
Let’s exchange first impressions

yea? with your girlfriend?

And there you were wolf – m4w – 30 (Brook football hither stone row)

Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-04-03, 11:55PM EDT

I saw the most beautiful woman football league under the sea of archbishops catholic roman bicentennial the stairway to heaven. This ravenous beauty made in china by the hand of elephantoplasty rugby players in the forth inning down two with the ABCDE effective section of the brooklyn public library where we all are today. The love of two tales of rabbit rodent ear plug the stoned hedge of wallstreet evil bastards running around with tax payer money.-The Word Association

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

Meet For One Kiss Only – m4w – 45 (Midtown West)

Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-04-07, 11:31AM EDT

Let’s meet for one magical kiss. First kisses are the best…
Me…45 yrs old. Executive at a marketing company. Reasonably attractive, 5’11”, 19 lbs, clean shaven and very presentable.
you..reasonably attractive and a great kisser.

This could be fun…write me and lets see if we have the chemistry to meet for that one kiss.

Dude, spellcheck or raincheck.


One Response to Cream of the Creep: The Best of Craigslist

  1. michelle says:

    you: passed out hottie on the downtown G.
    me: creepy, heavy breathing, hung over fatty leering at you while you slept.

    lets make magic.
    i like weed, sparks, feelings, cats, and insecurities.

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