Putting the “Hump” in Hump Day

by Wilkes

Lately, I’ve been trapped in two very different feedback cycles: I can’t stop thinking about either Racism or Getting Laid.  Everything that rises must converge y’all: I’m probably going to end up hate-fucking a white guy TO DEATH.

That said, the theme of this week’s Grab Bag is: Freudian Crushes.

I dig all types but I especially dig tall, skinny, dark-haired dudes with BIG (HUGE) POINTY NOSES cause that’s what my first love looked like.  Our relationship was a trainwreck so now (even though I’m not attracted to my ex anymore cause #woofinabadway) I still find this kind of dude pretty irresistible.

Perhaps by analyzing my attraction to this type I’ll be able to exorcise its influence on my—SIKE LET’S JUST LOOK AT PICTURE OF SKINNY BABES WITH GREAT SCHNOZES.

Yow.  Adrien Brody is one of Hollywood’s biggest depositors into the 1st National Wilkinson Spank Bank.  Ha, ha I am so gross.  If I was a straight guy writing that kind of thing about women a) I’d have the highest viewed page on AskMen.com &  b) I’d really hate me.

Humpty Hump Day: Sex in Ads

by Wilkes

REGGIE BUSH HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA ZOWIE TELL ME MORE

Yr damn right sex sells. For example: ABS

Wasn't aware penis cozies were real until I started this post

PLUS THIS THING

EQUALS I WILL TAKE 3!!!

The thing about sex in advertising is that I like it uncomplicated and delicious like an all-beef, ballpark frank with a slice of warm cherry pie on the side.

But there are a ton of ads that don’t do that and instead use sex in a creepy way.  My theme for this week, then, is Sex/Sux in Advertising.

Hump Day Grab Bag

by Wilkes

Now that I’m gainfully unemployed, I wake up at around 6 to “work on my novel” and keep at it until my stomach starts to hurt from caffeine and self-hatred (which usually kicks in at around 5). You’d think I’d be getting something accomplished in that 11-hour window but that’s where you’d be wrong.

I can’t force myself to come up with anything good to write about; all I can do is force myself to sit here at my computer  hour after hour, so I spend a lot of time procrastinating on the world wide webiverse. Sometimes I go out for walks, but mostly I don’t do that anymore because every time I go outside something freaks me out.

For example, yesterday I passed a McDonalds’s and in the window was a cardboard cut-out of Ronald McDonald and he was staring at me with those chilling, beady eyes of his and I literally got a little scared so holy shit I just can’t do it anymore, man.

I’m going to die a shut-in and a fat shut-in at that (Mama, wake up!) which is fine as long as I have the internet to keep me warm and to tell me (through photos of adorable kittens) how much it loves me.  So my theme for this Grab Bag is THE WEIRD SHIT I GOOGLE WHEN I’M PROCRASTINATING.

1. “Gelukkige Verjaardag!”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Dutch is a useless language.

STOP THE PRESSES

I’m sure you’ve all already seen it, but I still want to take a moment out of my busy day of loafing to talk about how fuckin’ hilarious Regretsy is.   I laughed until I tinkled and then I laughed some more.

I love this girl and I love that she is a girl.  Awesome.

End transmission.

A Wikimedia Commons Comic: Things I’ve Learned From Max

What’s My Age Again?

by Lauren W.

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i just have one question how could one band like blink [182] who runs around naked make a sucha difference in the world

–Matt1236969, Youtube Comment, (20 hours ago)

Early 2000. The nation drew a collective sigh of relief as they emptied their stockpiles of bottled water and batteries. I was a fresh-faced, idealistic sixteen-year-old, too cool for school, watching MTV for five hours a day.

I don’t remember the exact moment I first heard Blink 182, but suddenly, “All the Small Things” and “What’s My Age Again,” where literally everywhere I turned.The Gag teeth! The nudity! Lampooning the Backstreet Boys! They were rebels in the most pop-punk sense of the word possible.

They say a Peter Pan complex is our generation’s calling card, and Blink 182 embodied it:

No one likes you when you’re 23/but still act like you’re in freshman year…my friends say I should act my age/what’s my age again?

Blink 182’s popularity and my alienation from them (and their fans) marked the first time that I understood something very important about straight white male angst—namely, that I would never understand straight white male angst.

I was very excited a couple of days ago, to read an article claiming that the idea of us as the Boomerang Generation, is overstated and the Baby Boomers are just flattering themselves about their parenting skills.

Then I heard that Blink is back! I don’t care to google it and find out if they’re as sophomoric as ever. If they are, there’s no doubt they’ll be popular with this new crop of teenagers.

But I wonder how they’ll fare with our generation. Can we, as a generation move on from Blink 182?  Are more of us embracing our perpetual adolescence or, are we desperately ready to grow the fuck up?

Ode to the Dirtbag

by Lauren W.

Recently, Brandon B. & I were talking about my favorite childhood book: Sideways Stories From Wayside School.

One story is about a new kid who is smelly and rude and wearing a raincoat. The teacher peels the coat off to discover there’s another coat underneath. She does it again and again and when she finally removes the last coat, the class is aghast to discover that the “new student” is just a dead rat.

That’s an almost perfect description of the class of dirtbags that makes my heart speed: they’re rude, they look like they smell and there is a vaguely rat-like something to their faces (beady eyes and a pointy nose? Swoon!)

That “new student” could very well have been my first boyfriend.

I’ve since given up my dirtbag habit because they have nothing to offer but heartache and UTIs. But still…ladies, am I right? Guys? Viva La Dirtbag!

YOU DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH, YOU MAKE ME CRY

by Lauren W.

Whenever one of those dudes trying to sell comedy tickets on the street asks me if I like to laugh, I frown and shout ‘NO!’ I do it because it’s funny and also because my own personal hell is a comedy club.

A couple of days ago, Tommy and I had the misfortune of stumbling in on an amateur comedy show and it made me wish I was dead. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–there are only, like, five comedians that I think are funny and you already know all of their names. Everyone else is just talking about Viagra.

It’s like this: every day of my life is devoted to avoiding public embarrassment, but I’m doing a terrible job. For example, I recently barfed in my hand at Macy’s for literally no reason. I wasn’t sick and I hadn’t eaten anything weird. I was just minding my own business, looking at perfumes, when my GI tract decided to commit the ultimate act of betrayal.

Now I don’t know why, but watching someone else bomb in a comedy show is as personally humiliating to me as barfing in my own hand at Macy’s. I’m not sure if that means I’m excessively sympathetic or if I’m just a complete lunatic. All I know is I can barely handle my own humiliations, so I refuse to take on a stranger’s.

And that is why I don’t go to comedy shows.

Chia Obamas Pulled from Walgreens Shelves

by Lauren W.

Obama will likely find himself foiled many times throughout the course of his presidency, but none will be so nefarious as those wrought by 76-year-old Chia Pet founder, Joseph Pedott.

Pedott’s Commander-in -Terracotta has been pulled from Walgreens shelves in Chicago because customers have deemed it racist.

“Since when is an Afro racist?” asked Pedott, a Republican who voted for Obama. He also added that one can trim Chia Obama’s “hair” to any length.

Either way, 200,000 of these kitschy pieces of crap are sitting in a warehouse on Chicago’s West Side until Pedott can find another store to stock them. So for now, you’ll just have to get yours online here, at their amazing website.

ps–

God bless America.

source.