I Want You, Therefore I Hump You: Hump Day Grab Bag- aka I love the BACHELOR or why I hate long dresses

By Laurenesss
(or The Goat, or Who is Syvia?)

Yesterday, my favorite reality tv show The Bachelor made its long awaited return (it has been 3 months since the last season ended). This train wreck of a show has everything that I need and more.

ROMANCE

Polyamory is for everyone!

LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIPS

This chick (Shane Lamas, daughter of actor Lorenzo Lamas) was supposed to get married. Yeah, it didn’t last. She's most recently been arrested on DUI charges. Click on the pic to read more.

FASHION

Kinda looks like a Grace Coddington original...NOT!

Anatomically Correct with Laureness-CLOACal Musings

Don't stand underneath me! I splat!

I figured since my first entry on the Birdsong blog was technically about nature (Isabella Rossellini’s “Green Porno”) that for my comeback post (yes guys, it’s been awhile) I should return to my roots. This blog after all is inspired by birds (in a way), mostly their songs, so why shouldn’t we learn more about them? AND what better place to start then the glorious multi-purpose orifice indigenous to our avian friends,the CLOACA!

Talk about multi-tasking, the cloaca is a multi-purpose opening in birds, amphibians, reptiles-certain marsupials and mammals. That’s three-in-one!

A few facts about CLOACA:

-The word, which is Latin in origin, means sewer

-Birds poop, pee, and reproduce through this opening

-Bird aficionados refer to the cloaca as the vent, a verb meaning “to defecate.”

Next time you proclaim, “I’m venting” or “I need to vent” think twice, especially if you’re present at your local Audubon Society Chapter meeting.

If you’re planning on visiting Rome, don’t forgot to see the Cloaca Maxima, one of the largest sewers ever created.

Cloaca Maxima

Remember the Teletubbies?

By Laureness

Remember the song “Shake That Ass?”

Put them together and

That’s all my friends.

Normally I have sympathy for stroke victims…

You Light up my Life

by Laurenesss

but not this time. 71 year-old Oscar winning singer-songwriter Joseph Brooks has been accused of raping at least 11 women, luring wannabee actresses with the promise of fame to his apartment via Craigslist. Not only is he 71 years old and still raping people, he recently suffered a stroke as well.
What did he win an Oscar for you ask? He wrote this little ditty for the movie of the same name:. This is what I’d light up for him if I ever had the chance:

and then I'd run as far away as possible.

Tights Are NOT PANTS!

Bad Idea

By Laurenesss

My boyfriend hates tights and leggings as pants. Lately, whenever we wander the streets of NYC together, he has taken to hollering “tights aren’t pants” loudly and clearly in the direction of the offender. I love leggings and tights, but would never commit the sin of exposing my bare legginged ass to all of world. I wear a dress or a skirt over them buns and I think everyone else should do the same.*

Unfortunately, the backlash against Lindsay Lohan legging idolizers has not yet begun and American Apparel continues to create leggings in every style, color, and material including assless tights! This crime is committed mostly by NYU and FIT undergrads. The trend exhibited by our NYU brethren can obviously be attributed to these famous dropouts:

Shiver me Gingers!

By Laurenesss
My little sister is a ginger. Not one of those super freckly, ridiculously pale ones, but a true redhead none-the-less. In honor of Littlesss and Prince Harry’s official visit to NYC this past weekend I’ve decided to post a gallery of redheads. What is it about a ginger that makes them so irresistible? Maybe it’s their vulnerability. It has been scientifically proven that redheads are more sensitive to pain than the rest of us. I’d like to think that it’s pure fascination of the firecrotch. After all, the burning bush is were G-d told Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt in Exodus and it is never consumed by the flames. There’s nothing like a bit of good ‘ol biblical allegory to inspire a cult following. And so, without further ado, I present to you the Gallery of Ginger:

Let’s go for a Walk: Cyrillic, Supper Clubs, and Seaquariums in Brighton Beach.

By Laurenesss

Maybe it’s because I can’t resist a man in a muscle tee or because a dinner of beer, borscht, and blintzes seemed utterly irresistible, but I finally woke my lazy ass up on Saturday, hopped on the Q train and got off at the Brighton Beach stop. I didn’t have a plan (I never have a plan).

Shanna Moakler, I never thought I’d say this but I think I’m falling in love with you!

By Laurenesss
This whole Miss California USA debacle has really been grinding my gears lately, but not anymore.

I love and honor thee

Shanna Moakler, wife of Travis Barker and former Miss USA winner herself, has stepped down from her position of Miss USA co-executive director for the following reasons:

“Since the press conference yesterday, I had a chance to think about what has taken place, and I feel that at this time it is in my best interest to resign from the Miss California USA organization,” Moakler said in a statement given to CNN Wednesday.

While she did not directly refer to Trump’s decision to keep Prejean, her statement did suggest she believed it changed what the pageant stood for.

What do Elian Gonzalez, Anna Nicole Smith, and Casey Anthony have in common?

By Laurenesss

FLORIDA. Whenever I watch/read the news and some crazy shit has just happened a little voice always pops into my head. This voice says, “Lauren, just because crazy shit has happened in Florida in the past, doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again.” Then I’ll click on a link (I normally check for news updates on CNN.com) and lo and behold, it happened in Florida.

My fellow Floridians and I have definitely discussed this before and tend to agree that Florida is seriously the butt crack of the US. I don’t know why so many crazies live here and why so much random stuff happens, but it does. For example, just in the last week there’s been a sex scandal involving a very hot priest, a Joel Madden paparazzi freak-out, an ongoing scandal involving defective Chinese drywall, and a man who killed a baby by throwing it out of a car.

They call him Cutie for a reason...I'd hit that.

Equal Pay Day. Yay?

By Laurenesss

Yesterday, April 28, 2009, was Equal Pay Day. Even in 2009 women on average receive 79 cents of every dollar a man makes. Some people attribute this wage gap to fewer hours put in by women over the course of their careers credited to maternity leave and child care in general. I actually agree with this statement for the most part. If I put in fewer hours over the course of my career, then I will expect to make less than a colleague who has devoted little time to other activities. The benefits would clearly outweigh the consequences. Feminism is, after all, about choice and if I choose to have a child, then I will suffer the consequences of maternity leave and childrearing. Still, until research on whether women without children get the same pay rate as equally qualified men has been completed gender-based pay bias cannot be effectively proven.

After speaking to a few career-minded men it seems as though some are jealous of their female colleagues’ ability to take a 3-month paid maternity leave.

Let’s go for a Walk: The Other Williamsburg

By Laureness

Recently, I’ve become a little bit obsessed with Chasidic Jews and began reading up on different Ultra-Orthodox sects of which there are many. I found out that one of the most conservative of all, the Satmar Chasidim, live within walking distance of my home. So on Easter Sunday, while all of the Gentiles were searching for eggs, this mostly secular Jew decided to put on the most modest clothing she owns and go for a little walk.

This outfit consisted of opaque black leggings, a blue skirt that went down to my knees, a black coat that hit below my butt and covered my neck, and flat black boots. Basically, there was no skin showing and yet I had never felt like a bigger whore in my entire life. Every single woman around me was dressed like this.

In fact, the woman on the left is kind of pushing the limits and that little girl would sooo not have been wearing a cheery baby-blue coat.

If you too would like to experience this feeling for yourself, take the L to Bedford Avenue. Walk south on Roebling or Havemayer, towards the JMZ stop at Marcy avenue and under the rumbling overpass. You’ll begin to see storefronts with Hebrew lettering (Yiddish actually). Don’t stop now though.

Really Jezebel?

By Laurenesss
What’s wrong with this picture?

First, notice the post at the top of the screen-cap titled “Is The History Of Women A History Of Hate?” Then, look just below it at the sponsored ad for the book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back.”

Here’s an excerpt from this gem of an advice book published by the same author who also wrote “Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School.”

“It’s the riddle of the Sphinx: “Why didn’t he call me back?” You have a great date with a promising guy. You think it went well and expect to see him again…but then poof! He vanishes inexplicably.”

I’m going to save you the time of reading through the 1st chapter by summarizing it all too briefly below:

IT’S BECAUSE HE HATES YOU.

I know advertising isn’t as easy to come by in this recession, but really Jezebel? Are you that desperate?

‘Sectsy Time!

by Laurenesss

Isabella Rossellini is probably best known for being the daughter of Swiss actress Ingrid Bergman and for movies like Blue Velvet and — one of my personal favorites — Death Becomes Her. She has also been married to Martin Scorsese and dated both David Lynch and Gary Oldman.

What you may not know about Isabella is that she is a staunch advocate for nature conservation and a huge fan of insect sex. These two interests combined led her to create the Green Porno series for the Sundance Channel and let’s just say that this may be the most exciting thing to happen to the porn/conservation industries in a long time. Sundancechannel.com just started airing the second season, “a hot steamy look on aquatic life.”

Aside from being highly entertaining, especially if you are little high on the green stuff, it’s all the straight up, down and dirty, insect sexy truth. I have a feeling that Green Porno will become Isabella’s greatest legacy.

You can also find out your Green Porno name. I was dubbed “Platinum Lyretail.” What’s yours?